Caroline's Story

Her story began with my water breaking at 2am with no notice. I knew immediately what happened and it felt very surreal to know that things were getting started even though I was not having contractions. I woke ben and he quickly got up and began getting things ready to leave.

He called my parents. Before my dad answered the phone my mom was already getting up and dressed. She was here in less than 30 minutes and we were off to the hospital.

I was totally calm and peaceful at this time. Contractions were light. When we got to the hospital we registered and I was still able to sign paperwork and wait patiently to walk down to labor and delivery.

It was bizarre to walk into the labor and delivery room. The baby station was prepared with all the blankets. The doctor stand was at the foot of the bed covered with a blanket. Over the course of the night/day, I made a point to never look under the blanket. I did not want to see the tools that would be needed later in the morning.

At 4:40 am contractions were still inconsistent and we began walking laps around the halls. My mood was positive and we were having short conversations.

6am: Still walking and my contractions were getting stronger.  Morning was fast approaching and we decided to stay in our room from that point forward.

At this time I began getting fearful and nervous. The pain was already difficult to handle but I knew it would only get worse. I just wanted to fast forward.

7am: I was very emotional and crying. I could not even articulate why there were tears. It may have been the pain, the anxiety or the exhaustion.

8am: I was frustrated that it was taking so long. It was exhausting to walk but we knew that was the only way to speed the process. Contractions were intense but I was still able to focus, breath and work through them. It was an incredible amount of work to simply walk across the room. Sitting and resting for even a couple minutes was helpful.

10am: I got checked and was only 3.5 cm. Ben could see the defeat in my eyes as they began to well with tears. He was so encouraging and reminded me that my body has always responded in this way. I progress super slowly but things change very fast. He helped me out of bed and we began walking again. In no time, contractions picked up. The pain was unbearable. This lasted for the next 2.5 hours. Ben was amazing. When I walked, he walked. When I was discouraged, he said all the right things. He rubbed my back, massaged my neck and guided me along when I didn’t have the strength.

Around noon, I started getting the urge to push. Ben would get eye level with me and tell me it is not time. I remember the nurse was in the room and she overheard me try to push. I heard her tell another nurse that I am close, to call the doctor and that she needs to stay in the room with me. They hooked me to a monitor to check the baby and I was in bed for the rest of the delivery.

My doctor arrived and she had a calm presence. The next 45 minutes amounted to indescribable pain. I clutched the bed rail with one hand and ben’s hand with the other. We were forehead to forehead and he would feed me water, wipe my forehead and help me breathe. I kept begging him to help me. I can only imagine how helpless he must have felt. I saw the doctor put on her garb and knew it was close but yet I truly didn’t think I could do it. I remember my phone started ringing and I got so upset that someone could be calling me. A med student also happily entered the room announcing that a baby girl was just delivered in room 3. I still cannot believe she thought that would be an appropriate comment for someone in my state to hear. The pain was continuous and soon it was time to focus and push. Everyone was telling me what to do but I couldn’t comprehend anything. “Hold your legs, raise your neck, hold your breath, count to 10, trust your body, PUSH.” Those phrases were given over and over and over until....

12:43pm: sweet baby caroline elizabeth was in my arms.
instant love.

things i think i think

I love being pregnant. I really do. I even love my pregnant body and have been trying to capture it in my memory since it will likely be my last pregnancy.
BUT
I am excited to regain some mobility and move around at a normal pace. Shopping at regular stores for regular sizes will also be welcomed.

Sweet baby’s carseat is buckled in and ready to go. The girls have even been keeping a baby doll in it the past week. I think we are ready for our new precious cargo.
BUT
Kinsley has moved to the back of the van and she feels far away. I can’t reach back and grab her hand or squeeze her little knee.

Kinsley loves preschool and it will be great having that time to care for only two little ones.
BUT
I love my alone time with Hallie and she loves that time with me. Will I be able to give her the attention and love she needs while I am focused on an infant? With the other girls, it was easy to hold them all day long. I love the infant stage and love snuggling. Will I feel at peace having to use the baby swing more than I have had to in the past?

I am ready to deliver this baby with no medication. Naturally, with no intervention. I have had such positive birth stories and am again prepared to go through the most intense thing ben and I have experienced together.
BUT
It is the hardest thing I have ever done and I am overwhelmed at what lies ahead.

I love feeling this baby move and feel so connected to her. I watch my tummy shift, feel her in my ribs and messing with my hip bone. We will never be this close again.
BUT
I have spent hours daydreaming of the second I get to finally see her face and hold her. Finally being able to put tiny features to the kicks and jabs I’ve had for so long. This trumps everything.